When One Partner Feels Left Behind
Parenthood can bring out both the best and the hardest parts of us. It’s full of love, laughter, and moments that remind us what truly matters—but it’s also full of exhaustion, overwhelm, and invisible work that can quietly build into resentment.
One theme that often comes up in therapy is the growing frustration when one partner regularly steps away—whether that’s for golf, the gym, a hobby, or simply time alone—while the other feels left to manage the chaos at home. It’s rarely about the activity itself. It’s about what it represents: freedom, rest, and space that one partner seems to get more of.
When Freedom Feels Unequal
In families with young children, time often feels like the rarest resource. When one partner consistently gets solo time—whether that’s a four-hour round of golf or a quiet coffee out—it can highlight the imbalance between responsibility and rest.
The resentment that follows isn’t usually about the activity. It’s about the meaning attached to it. It’s the feeling of being left behind, unseen, or carrying a heavier load. It’s the sense that one person’s needs are automatically prioritized while the other’s are quietly deferred “until things calm down.”
And when that imbalance repeats over time, it’s easy to start keeping score—not of putts or chores, but of fairness, effort, and appreciation.
What’s Really Beneath the Resentment
Resentment in parenting partnerships often points to an unmet need—usually for rest, recognition, or reciprocity. Most people don’t want to take something away from their partner; they want to feel that their own needs matter just as much.
It’s common to hear:
“I don’t actually mind that they go—I just wish I could too.”
That wish isn’t selfish. It’s a longing for balance and mutual care.
Finding Your Way Back to Balance
So what helps when you find yourself in this dynamic?
1. Talk about the imbalance, not the hobby.
Instead of focusing on the specific activity, focus on the feelings beneath it.
Try language like:
“When I see you getting regular breaks and I don’t, I start to feel invisible. I need us to find a way to make rest fair for both of us.”
This opens the door to collaboration, not defensiveness.
2. Redefine “rest” for both of you.
Each partner needs restorative time, but what that looks like can differ. For one person, it might be a walk alone. For another, it might be time with friends, a class, or simply not being “on call” for a few hours. The goal isn’t to make rest identical—it’s to make it equitable.
3. Check in on how responsibilities are shared.
Resentment often grows where communication has thinned. Schedule regular check-ins to review how time, energy, and household labor are divided.
Ask:
What’s feeling heavy for you lately?
What’s helping you recharge?
What would help things feel more balanced right now?
4. Offer each other a ‘mulligan.’
In golf, a mulligan is a do-over—a second chance to reset after a bad shot. In relationships, it’s about extending grace and trying again.
Parenthood is messy, and none of us get it right every time. Offering each other a mulligan can create space for forgiveness, curiosity, and renewed effort toward balance.
A Closing Reflection
If you’ve been feeling resentful—about golf, hobbies, or just the mental load of daily life, you’re not alone. Resentment is often a signal that something important needs attention, not a sign of failure or selfishness.
With open communication, shared intention, and a willingness to listen without blame, couples can find new rhythms that honor both partners’ needs.
And sometimes, having a neutral space like therapy can make these conversations easier. A therapist can help both partners unpack what’s underneath the frustration, name what’s missing, and rebuild the sense of teamwork that feels lost in the busyness of parenting.
Because ultimately, the goal isn’t to take time away from each other—it’s to build a life where both of you get the space to breathe. Feeling left out? Let’s talk about it and find a way to rediscover your freedom. Connect here
